had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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