The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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