Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
