I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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