Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
is that a dick in a sweater?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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