My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
