So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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