Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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