you win again, gameday.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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