I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
