i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
