i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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