I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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