he wants to bone in the snuggie
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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