If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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