you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
