btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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