it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
