I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
