How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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