He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
