I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
