Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
