They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
