I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There's always time for handjobs
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
