there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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