Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
