I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
