Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
