sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
