how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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