And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
