I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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