If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
