Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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