Got a toothbrush?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
