Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
