Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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