made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
