The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
