I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
