I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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