Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
