oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
