If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
