I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
