wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
