im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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