My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
