this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
