At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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